Thursday, June 11, 2015

Waiting on Baby #2

If raw off the cuff writing is not your thing, then you should probably read through posts located in the header or off to the right under my profile picture. I feel like throwing it all out there and I'm not going to hold back because I'm worried about what others will think of me for writing an honest post, so be kind and move on.

Now, for those of you who wanted to stick around, I have some venting to do. I'm coping with my emotions, I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm in the mood for a rant. So rant I shall. Today I want to talk about infertility, a topic I haven't addressed on the blog in over a year. While we were struggling to get pregnant I used this blog as a refuge, a place to connect with others dealing with the same feelings I was, and a place to raise awareness. All goals were met on that front.

But now here we are again, 6 months into trying with no pregnancy. I know to many, 6 months is nothing, so if you are new here read our infertility journey HERE. There are many emotions I am feeling.

1. Guilt, we already have a baby and there are many other women out there who still do not.

2. Envy, my age group is the time when everybody is having babies and I'd like to be one of them. I have several friends who have been trying for a while who are now pregnant, SO happy for them.

3. Confusion, for whatever reason I'm still not a "mom" yet since I don't have a truck load of little duckies following me around everywhere. I like to think I'm a pretty darn good mother, but to others I just don't know anything because I'm not covered in babies, which is obviously not my choosing.

4. More confusion, is the reason I wasn't given lots of babies because I would have been one of those moms that complains all the time about their kids? Would I have been one of those moms that stays on her phone all day while her kids are neglected? Would I have not taught them good nutrition or created bad habits in them? Would I have neglected their learning environment? Would I have hindered them in any way?

5. Anger, I get really tired of people who have known me for a long time assuming "Whitney gets everything she wants". DO I?! DO I REALLY? If you think that, then you don't know me at all and probably need to double check my past.

Do all of these emotions take away the love I have for my son? Absolutely NOT. If anything, it makes me cherish every single moment with him, because I have no idea if I will get another one. I have no promise that I will be a mother to anyone, but him. I'm giving him my all, daily.

I was the little girl who dreamed of being a mom. I never planned my wedding. I didn't have a notebook full of flowers and wedding dresses. No, I wanted to be a MOM. I wanted to have kids screaming through the house, little girls giggling, boys covered in mud, dogs running along side squealing children in the yard. Weddings are for sissies, give me motherhood any day, it makes a real woman.

Rant over, now let me hear it in the comments below...  

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