Monday, October 15, 2012

6 Months Later

I was preparing to write this post. I guess today is better than later. I found out October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In October 1988, Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said, ""When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."

Where did I think I would be this month? I thought I would be on maternity leave with a baby due in the next two weeks. I would have had a cute nursery put together, an organized closet full of baby clothes, diapers, a pantry full of bottles, and celebrated with baby showers. I would be preparing to be a mother.

Where am I now, 6 months later? I would like to say that I have accomplished all these amazing things during this time. That I took advantage of losing the baby, or even that I was pregnant again. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, they are so common that doctors often over look them and assume their patient will be back getting ultrasounds within two months. 

What I can say about the past 6 months is this:

I have become a littler more hardened. I have a hard time looking back at myself in the mirror. I see sadness in my eyes that I can't seem to replace quite yet. I am often scared people can see that sadness so I try not to look them in the eyes for too long or that I might have one of those days where I burst into tears because they know too much. I have kept myself so busy that my room is a mess, my dog desperately needs a bath, and I have accidentally overbooked my calendar on occasion. I promised myself 6 months ago that I would not focus on the what ifs and count off the days of my pregnancy. All I know is that in two weeks I was scheduled to be a mother and I am not anymore. So I moved on.
Instead, I have kept busy. I have had a hard time being prayerful. I only like to pray when life is full of blessings and happiness. I read my scriptures, because through them I hear the Lord's voice encouraging me and uplifting me. But to pray, no thank you. I don't want to explain to Him how forgotten I feel, how stressful this has been, or bother Him or anyone else with this emotionally draining trial. I try to pray weekly, but I won't lie to y'all about it. It has been a struggle to pray.

But I will say this, there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel my Savior's love for me. He has not turned His back on me. He is carrying me while I turn away from prayer.

One day at a time, take it one day at a time is what was told to me 6 months ago. I am now taking it one week at a time, filling my weeks with work out classes, work, and weekend activities. This is real life, I'm not going to sugar coat it for y'all.

I will pray for those who have lost babies who were much further along than me or who were behind me, who had to endure what I endured multiple times, who only got to hold their babies for minutes, or hours before they left this world. I will pray for them because I know their heartache must be a million times more hurtful than mine. I will pray for them because I know the comfort a prayer can give us during the worst times of our lives.

I will pray for them because I truly believe babies are not blessings. They are miracles to each who is given a beautiful, healthy baby at birth, they are miracles.

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