Monday, April 23, 2012

Our Struggle Together

This blog wouldn’t be real if I didn’t post the sad moments in our lives. Having another person relate and feel relief through my story only makes the suffering a little easier for me. I will preface this post with this one statement: this is written for me to make peace, please do not send me personal stories of your own losses. I am not to the point yet where I can handle hearing your own personal heartbreaks. Only kind, uplifting words are needed during this time.

You may remember a post I wrote about entitlement, I was angry and needed an explanation for our most recent trial. During the time of writing it, Richard and I were seeing one of the best, fertility specialist in Augusta, Georgia, Dr. Edouard J. Servy. After trying for over a year we sought out help at the suggestion of my doctor in Milledgeville. After adhering to his advice, we found out five months later on Feb 15th we were pregnant! We were so excited. Word slowly got out, especially after my 9 week appointment when we heard a strong 167 heartbeat. Two days before my 13 week check up, I woke with signs of a miscarriage, and after an ultrasound, we were told there no longer was a heartbeat. A D&C was scheduled the same day April 17th, allowing us all to grieve and take the steps to move on.
This talk from Elder Anderson speaks specifically about families struggling to have children. Often times in our church, friendships, and families we like to ask each other when a couple will start a family. Typically, if a couple has been together for a while and still have no children there is an issue with fertility. Please be considerate of others and do not ask, having gone through this many times myself of having to explain whether or not we are "trying", it brings up a lot of hurt. 

Each member of my family is currently experiencing the steps of grieving. We are each healing in our own way and my best way to heal is to write. Writing and the idea of punching a wall right now is very appealing. So many women have experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage. But it is something never talked about, it is something we are supposed to cope with in private, but there are so many of us out there who have this feeling of loss that will never go away.
For me to get to where I am now emotionally, I read this talk from Elder Holland from this most recent General Conference. Richard and I also went to the temple on Saturday, where after reading Matthew 5: 3-12, I prayed to be given more specific comfort to my needs. I took a clump of pages and turned them over and was led to Luke Chapter 1: 1-15. I'm not saying the Lord told me we would birth a righteous man like John the Baptist, I'm sharing the words that gave me comfort. Elisabeth and Zacharias struggled just the same as we are now and were blessed with a child. Saturday was the only day I didn’t completely break down into tears; I know it is because I felt the Lord comforting me the entire day.

Richard and I are hopeful and know we will one day be parents. Surely the Lord will allow us this blessing in our lives. I have often heard the story of Richard being a little boy, when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, he would reply, “a father.” Being an only child and wanting nothing more in my life than a house full of kids, surely we will be given this blessing one day. I can honestly say this has brought my husband and I so much closer as a couple. We are having to rely on each other in a very emotional way. It has been a blessing, though extremely difficulty, still a blessing.
With all this said, our trials make us more REAL, they make us more caring people. When the happy day comes when we will have a child, I won’t brag, I won’t boast, because there are families who have never had the privilege, who struggle with treatment, or who have been unable to find a partner to share their lives. We are only given what we can handle, apparently the Lord thinks we can, every time I think I can’t take anymore, He says I can and to have faith.

The beautiful flowers on this blog were given to me by friends and family members.
Thank you so much for your love and support.

1 comment:

Gabrielle said...

My little heart breaks for you. I know that the heartache is so consuming. Loves to you. The ache will lighten. If you need an ear, I have two to share.